The Worst Pokemon Fanfiction Ever
by Psychoswordlady
Summary: Want to read the worst slash ever written? Freakish OOCness, crappy Sues and horribly written copypasta battle scenes? Then this fic has everything you need! Rated for language, violence and definite adult situations, including yaoi and Gary selfshipping.
1. Tucker and Victor and a Sue, Oh My

Once upon a time there was a trainer named Tucker and he wanted to be the Dome Ace. He beat his way up the ranks and finally became a superstar. He was really hot and had magenta hair and always wore a sparkly spandex fairy costume and really tight white tights that showed off his junk and high heeled magenta boots. One day he met this really beautiful girl who had blue hair with a bright green streak in the back and purple bangs and her eyes were every shade of red in a fire. She was a 36-24-36 and was totally perfect and always wore a mini skirt and a teeny tiny tank top. Her name was so beautiful it couldn't be pronounced so we'll just call her Sue. One day she saw Tucker after a match and said, "Whoa mai GAWD. You are like, so hot with your spandex fairy costume and your high-heeled boots and your magenta hair and your little white tights that show off your junk. I so totally know that we were meant to be together and let's go get married now."

Tucker said, "Um, I'm sorry, lady, but I don't know why you're talking to me like that."

Sue said, "Because don't you see we are totally made for each other?" She smacked her gum behind her overinflated neon pink lips.

Tucker said, "No, I don't."

Sue said, "But I'm, like, hot and stuff. No guy can resist me."

Tucker said, "You're not ugly but I'm not going to go out with you."

Sue said, "I'll sleep with you if you go out with me."

Tucker said, "I'd rather sleep with a garden hose."

Sue said, "You're just playing hard to get. Let's go get married and stuff, okay?"

Tucker said, "No, I just met you. Go away."

Sue said, "I'll take that as a yes. I'll meet you in your hotel room because I got the desk lady to give me the key." She blew a kiss at him and walked off, making the fact that she was wearing a thong glaringly obvious.

Tucker said, "This dialogue format is getting really old. Mrs. Author Lady, you'd best change it before I get my Magnum .44."

As Psychoswordlady changed the dialogue format for the next conversation scene, Tucker walked out the door of the lobby and by some plot hole decided to go get drunk at a bar. He went into one called the Toolbox and heard disco music blasting and a bunch of guys in really tight pants bumping and grinding. He looked around for a second and by some other plot hole that the author is too lazy to elaborate on someone bumped into him. He looked up at the person he bumped into and saw the hottest guy he had ever seen. He was tall and had a six pack and was waering a tight turtleneck cut off just below his first two abs, tight low-cut jeans, and a short jacket with three-quarters sleeves. He had dark aqua hair pulled back into a ponytail on top of his head and two chunks of hair that hung in front of his eyes.

Tucker shouted, "Where you from, you sexy thing?"

The guy shouted, "I believe in miracles, baby."

Tucker said, "What's your name, you hottie?"

The guy replied, "I'm Victor, but some know me better as Ursula Uranus. What's yours, cutie pie?"

Tucker answered, "I'm Tucker. I'm the Dome Ace."

Victor said, "Cool. Wanna go make out in the bathroom?"

Tucker said, "Sure," firing a few rounds at Psychoswordlady through the universe barrier for reverting to the boring dialogue format.

Victor and Tucker went and made out in the bathroom for an hour and then they went back to his hotel room because they were lonely and horny. As soon as Victor yanked off his belly shirt and was down to his little pink skivvies, Sue came in the door, yelling, "Hey babe, I hope you brought rubbers 'cause we're doing it tonight."

Sue stopped and stared at the half-naked man undressing her sweetie. "My god, you didn't tell me you were GAY!"

Victor let out a high-pitched scream, and turned to Tucker, his face beet red. "My god, you didn't tell me you were STRAIGHT!"

Sue grabbed her pocket Bible. "Dude, you guys, like, can't do that, because it's like, wrong and stuff and you guys are gonna, like, burn in hell and stuff."

Tucker looked at her funny. "Huh?"

Victor snorted. "This is Japan, honey. Yaoi magazines are everywhere."

Sue said, "But it's, like, not right!"

Tucker and Victor yelled in unison, "We're here and we're queer! Deal with it!"

Sue bawled long and loud. "Ugh! You guys like totally make me sick! I swear, Tucker, if I showed you my boobs you'd think twice about making whoopie with a guy!"

Tucker stared at her, not amused. He grabbed Victor's pecs, eliciting a squeal from the other man, and shot back at her, "He's got man boobs. That's enough for me."

Sue stomped out of the room, immediately catching the eye of the misshapen janitor and going off into an empty room with him.

Tucker turned back to Victor after locking the door, firing a second round at Psychoswordlady for using a repetitive adverbial clause. They made wild, passionate man-love in the bed, in the bathtub, and even on top of the mini-bar. After they were done they fell over on the bed, panting. Victor stood up, and looking over his shoulder, he said, "Tucker... my god. You sure you're a virgin?"

Tucker stood up as well, standing behind him.

Victor continued, "I swear that's the best sex I've had in a LONG time. Are you sure you've never done this before? And you know, if it's going to be this good every night, I wanna be your permanent lover."

Tucker bit Victor's earlobe and hissed, "Then shut up and bend over, bitch."

Neither of them got any sleep that night, for the rather obvious reason that they were banging each other until 4 A.M. They tried every position in the Kama Sutra and even made up some of their own. One time Tucker made Victor scream so loud that the people downstairs whacked the ceiling with a broom stick and shouted, "Keep it down in there, you horndogs!" And then they knocked over a picture frame and later the TV. But they were too busy in the throes of orgasmic passion that they just kept on going. Finally, sometime in the wee hours of the morning, Tucker flopped down on the bed, his head spinning from the night's adventures. "Whoa... That was insane."

Victor fell on top of him, his breathing so heavy you'd think he was having a heart attack. "Oh, yeah. I've never had so much fun in one night before."

Tucker French kissed Victor for a few minutes and then whispered, "Let's do this again sometime, kissy-poo."

Victor's hand slid onto Tucker's butt. "Sure thing, sugarbuns."

The next morning, Tucker awoke to Victor yelling at him from the bathroom. He rolled out of bed, realized he was still nude, and threw on the nearest pair of skivvies, which happened to belong to Victor, but he didn't care because they were boyfriends now and they could share anything, even though they had known each other only one night. He ran into the bathroom, where Victor waved a positive pregnancy test in his face. "Guess what, Tucker?! I'm preggers!"

Tucker's eyebrows contorted into an inhumanly possible shape. "What? But you're a guy!"

"Aww, baby, I know, but since we're boyfriends now, I've always wanted a baby or two."

"But how is it possible?"

"Let's not worry about the huge plot hole and the fact that the author has very much read an anatomy book and knows it's not possible but still chose to put it in. Let's just be happy about the fact that we're going to be daddies!"

Tucker made a face. "Whatever you say, kissy-poo."

Victor jumped onto Tucker, holding onto him with his legs wrapped around Tucker's waist. "Let's get married."

Tucker replied, "But it's not legal here. Japan may be the land of the yaoi, but it's not the land of civil rights."

Victor laughed, "Then we'll just have to invite the SWAT team to our wedding."

So Tucker and Victor had a huge wedding and invited all his fans from the Battle Dome but half of them didn't come because they still had the naive belief that the man with the sparkly spandex fairy costume and the high-heeled boots and the magenta hair was in fact straight and would someday carry them off to a beach in Mexico and buy them a million dollar mansion. After the wedding he and Victor spent another wild night together. They lived happily ever after and had twenty-five sons and twenty-five daughters who all grew up to be Pokemon League Champions at some point in their lives and owned every legendary including the nonexistant Kuravaiya. They lived to be one hundred and twenty and got buried together and everything was rainbows and flowerbeds and butterflies. TEH END.


	2. Gary, His Left Hand and His Right Hand

WORST POKEMON FANFICTION EVER Chapter 2: Gary, His Left Hand, and His Right Hand, Oh My!  
Pairings: IdolworShipping (TraceyXOak), SpankthemonkeyShipping (GaryXHimself) 

Gary hated Tuesday. Why he hated Tuesday rather than Monday was a mystery, but Gary certainly was a mystery in his own right. He had a band of cheerleaders who followed him everywhere, yet none of them seemed to be getting preggers like they would around Brock. He always wore a yin-yang necklace, but its meaning remained unclear. But, returning to the topic, Gary absolutely positively despised Tuesdays, because Tuesday was when his perverted grandfather, Samuel Oak, trounced around in his underwear to Norwegian death metal and invited Tracey, his "personal assistant" (as the English dub companies conveniently call live-in boy toys) to compete against him in a spirited bout of Dance Dance Revolution, all while wearing nothing but skivvies and an apron. Occasionally they invited Ash's mother to join them, but alas, she had left after deciding to become a swimsuit model after winning the contest at Acapulco. She beat out Jessie, who was just plain good looking in her own right; Misty, who was a blatant piece of jailbait thrown in to appease the "older" fans of the show; and James, who by the aid of the wonderful force of a tire pump, had inflated himself to an E-cup. Gary took out his mallet and gave the author a few nice sharp whacks to the skull, forcing her back on topic again. Sigh. As I was saying, Gary hated Tuesdays, so he strolled out into the bright and sunny fields of Pallet Town, surrounded by the infamous Grass of Death.

Now the Grass of Death, as those who have played Red and Blue version may remember, was a patch of grass surrounded by some sort of force field which could only be penetrated by the mythic weapon known as Action-Shark-Genie-Brain-Replay. The Action-Shark-Genie-Brain-Replay could only be obtained by venturing through the horrible Forest of Local-Mall to the Temple of Electronics-Boutique and sacrificing to the altar of Too-lazy-to-beat-the-damn-game-myself-so-I'll-just-cheat. Gary, being a POKEYMAN MASTAR, happened to own one of these, as the only reason he was so strong was because he Action-Shark-Genie-Brain-Replayed all his Pokemon to level 255 and all stats to 999. Gary took out his trusty ASGBR and threw it onto the force field, at which point it promptly exploded and all his Pokemon reverted to level 2 Pidgeys. He then stepped over the remaining barrier, which was made of crappy 8-bit shapes resembling cylindrical traffic cones somewhat, and ventured into the Grass of Death...

It was just like any other patch of grass when he first stepped in, as the Grass of Death was behind a ditch. Using his POKEYMAN MASTAR powers, he flew over the ditch and landed in the grass. He had one of his 128 Master Balls with him so he was ready to catch anything. Suddenly, as he turned around, some sort of Pokemon leapt out at him... It was a uL.uM.4, one of the Glitchy Things That Look Like 8-bit Poptarts, renowned for its special ability to evolve into a Clefairy and then directly to Nidoking. As he sent out one of his army of Level 2 Pidgeys, the uL.uM.4 immediately used its Cooltrainer attack followed up by a harsh TM54 strike. Now you may say those attacks don't exist, or worse yet, that TM54 is an actual item, but in the Grass of Death, glitch Pokemon ran free and used whatever the hell kind of attack they felt like. And as a technical note, TM54 is actually HM04, but uL.uM.4 doesn't have to care about technicalities, since it is one itself. Gary immediately sent out another level 2 Pidgey on the uL.uM.4, which immediately overwhelmed the wretched creature with the fury of a harsh Rolling Kick and Cooltrainer combo off of a level 7 base attack of 22. Ouch. Gary was down to his last 300 Pidgeys, having caught two to Action-Shark-Genie-Brain-Replay into each species of Pokemon that existed in Kanto, plus Mew. Gary finally said to himself, "Why the hell am I just standing here when I have 128 Master Balls?" and promptly chucked one at the uL.uM.4. It was captured and Gary added it to his belt and input it into the Pokedex.

Sadly, the Pokedex, with its primitive technology and the fact that Professor Oak had spilled a bottle of vodka on it, proved to be inferior to the glitch, and ceased to operate. Gary then took out his Glitchdex, incorrectly input it as Hex Value D5, and tried to teach his new uL.uM.4 some new moves.

He took out a TM29, a TM13, a TM48 and a TM26 and taught all four to the uL.uM.4, now conveniently nicknamed "Fluffy", despite the fact that it was made of jumbled sections of towns and 8-bit people which, when viewed at a slight distance, looked like a black-and-blue Poptart, and there was absolutely nothing fluffy about it at all. Those were his best TMs, and he planned for Fluffy to use them well. He saved his game and went to sleep, dreaming of a strong uL.uM.4 to protect him and make him the envy of that stupid Ash.

When he woke up a 3 A.M. on Wednesday morning, he grabbed his Gameboy and turned it on. Now don't argue with me the technicalities of how a resident of a Gameboy game could turn it on and off at will, or even play the system he starred in. But Ash had a NES, so Gary had a Gameboy to show he was far more active. When he flicked the power switch on to check on his uL.uM.4, he was horrified to see that his entire save file had been corrupted and he had been transported back to the Grass of Death, except it was all jumbled now with chunks of houses, random sections of water, floating numbers, and a strange cave that had inadvertently appeared. Gary grabbed his trusty mallet and again knocked out one of the author's teeth for misusing an adverb, even though he himself wasn't quite sure what it meant. He just wanted an excuse to hit someone after uL.uM.4 and its residence of Glitch City had apparently eaten his Blue version. He turned the game off, throwing it in the trash, and was glad that the real Grass of Death didn't appear to contain such anomalies.

Gary rushed downstairs to see Tracey making breakfast in his little pink apron that Professor Oak insisted he wear. Professor Oak, thankfully wearing pants today, was sitting at the table reading a girlie magazine. Gary shot him a look ranging somewhere from total disgust to blatant frustration. He grabbed the carton of "100 percent come from natural" orange juice they had bought at the local Oriental food store and a bowl of laspberries, as raspberries were called in the land of Kanto. Gary found it funny that many products in Kanto were worded in so-called "Engrish", having a perfect knowledge of proper English himself because he was Gary and he knew everything. He smelled something odd and looked over at Tracey, who apparently was doing something other than cooking that resembled more the act of welding. Tracey was holding a welding torch to a piece of toast, burning a design on it. As of late, Tracey's artisitc skills were becoming more and more destructive, ranging from painting a giant penis on the side of the Pokemon Lab to making a disgustingly accurate representation of Professor Oak's reproductive system out of potato salad. As evidenced by his subject matter, he was becoming more and more influenced by Professor Oak every day. Tracey ran over and waved at Professor Oak the pornographic scene he had skillfully torched into the toast, giggling insanely. Oak's face wrinkled up with a giant perverted grin, and they ran off to Professor Oak's room, which Gary had learned the hard way at the tender age of three not to go into without knocking.

Gary sighed. His grandfather was such a pervert, and he was tainting Tracey beyond all recovery by giving him too much experience with "artistic nudes". Gary went downstairs to his room, which had a flatscreen TV that covered a whole wall and a huge stereo system and everything he could ever have wanted, because even though Professor Oak was a perverted old coot, he still spoiled his grandson. Gary threw off his shirt and collapsed on the couch.

After a bit Gary grew bored of lying on the couch, and grabbed a mirror. The sight of himself made his lower lip tremble. How was it possible that such a beautiful (albeit self-absorbed) boy could look back at him from behind the glass? He ran his fingers through his hair and put on a sultry pout, trying out several sexy poses. Finally he threw off his baggy black pants and danced around in his polkadot boxers for a bit. He was far better at Dance Dance Revolution than either Professor Oak or Tracey, but he refused to compete against a couple of noobs, despite the fact that he could and did challenge the pathetically noobalicious Ash at every opportunity. He justified this with the fact that Ash wasn't nearly as perverted as Oak and Tracey, not counting the time in the fifth grade when they compared sizes in the locker room. Gary won, if anyone cares anymore because he won everything. However, it is a huge insult to be malleted a third time by a now-naked boy, so the author promises she will stay on topic now... oh, great. This little sidetrack caused a plot hole. WELL LA DE FREAKIN DA. You'll just have to forget there was a plot hole and read what happens next, because this is like the best story evar and it totally pwnzorz all these fics written by people with natural talent! Now where were we... Gary found it extremely fun. It was like playing one of those old arcade games with the joystick except ten times as enjoyable. He knew very well why it was referred to as a joystick. But it was all over too quick, and the fruits of his labor were nothing more than a plastic bag full of contents not to be mentioned here. He yanked his boxers back on and kissed the mirror one last time, then put everything else back on and headed back upstairs, only to bump into Tracey, with wet hair and wearing nothing but a towel.

"Gary? Oh, there you are! Professor Oak wanted to know where the cooking oil went." Gary reluctantly handed the bottle to Tracey, knowing full well what it was for, because nobody ever cooked anything in the Oak household, ever. Gary smirked as Tracey left. He still had the whipped cream.

Gary went back downstairs and sat down on the couch, looking around the room. It was spotlessly clean, as he was a huge neat freak. He looked around and to his horror saw a camera in the corner of his ceiling. Had that been there the whole time? He ran up and tried to take it down, but a five-foot-six young man can't exactly reach a camera stuck at the top of a ten-foot ceiling. He eventually gave up and put a tape in the VCR, which he still had because he was old school like that. As the "Rodeo Bloopers" tape slid into the maw of the VCR, a voice came over the PA system installed recently to the Pokemon Lab. "Hello, Gary."

Gary whirled around, staring at his wall TV, on which Professor Oak's unshaven visage became visible. "Gary, you're so low-tech. I think it's quaint that you still use a VCR. All my porn is on DVD."

"Grampa! It's not porn, I swear! It's Rodeo Bloopers! I'm not you, Grampa!"

Professor Oak laughed. "Gary, actually you are. I cloned you off of me fifteen years ago."

"Then how did I get a sister if I'm a clone of you?"

Professor Oak's expression turned sour. "Oh, her. Well, you see, I was told when I was twenty-five that I was sterile... but then the hooker we hired for my fiftieth birthday forgot the birth control and boom! Nine months later she dumps Daisy on my doorstep."

Gary fell to his knees. "What are you saying?"

"Gary... I AM YOUR FATHER."

Gary let out a long and sorrowful Darth Vader-ish "NO!" and ran out of the lab, taking only his Master Balls of which only 127 now remained. He quit his job as the League Champion and ran away to the tiny island of the clever name "Seven Island". He bought a house and lived there alone, defeating all the noobs who dared challenge him with his Action-Shark-Genie-Brain-Replayed level 255 3TRAINERPOKe, uL.uM.4 and Female Symbol champ team. Finally, the day of reckoning came--he was to face Ash.

"It's time, Gary. I'm gonna beat you once and for all!" Ash said in his squeaker voice. Gary hated Ash's voice. They were both supposed to be fifteen with the advent of the Hoenn episodes, but Ash still had an unchanged voice and seemed to be in permanent squeaker mode.

"Not a chance, Ash! Go, 3TRAINERPOKe!"

"Pikachu, go!"

Pikachu, however, was apparently not in fighting form. He had a five o'clock shadow and was holding a bottle of Jack Daniels, taking a long swig every couple of minutes and singing some Pikachu song to the tune of Auld Lang Syne. Pikachu stumbled a bit and then fell over, spilling the remaining few sips of whiskey.

"Come on, Pikachu! Get up! ...Please?"

But Pikachu was passed out drunk. Because he was only one foot three and fourteen pounds, a whole bottle of hard whiskey really did a number on him. Ash turned to his last resort and pulled out a syringe.

"Okay, Pikachu. You'll just feel a little prick and then you'll feel really strong and powerful... okay, I'm done!" Ash tossed the used syringe aside, and it stabbed some old lady in the shoulder and she grew a foot taller and gained fifty pounds of muscles.

Pikachu's ears perked up, and he stood up slowly as his yellow fur bristled out over his rapidly expanding muscles. Gary could hear the opposing Pokemon's spine crack loudly as it shot six feet into the sky, carrying the yellow rat's head and spreading shoulders with it as sharp claws sprouted three inches long from its now sausagelike fingers. His teeth ripped out of his gums and grew to stick out above his lower lip, and his lightning-bolt tail was pulsing with veins. Finally, in a last flourish of strength, the top of Pikachu's head sprouted huge, sharp yellow spikes, and he was now wearing an orange fighting uniform with a navy belt. A saffron aura blazed about him, as his multiplied energy was too much to be held inside of the now seven-foot-tall creature. Pikachu had done it with the aid of a shot of steroids: he had gone Super Saiyan.

Gary's eyes bugged out. "What the hell is that thing?"

"It's a Super Saiyan Pikachu. Pikachu, use Kame-Hame-Thunderbolt!"

"PIKAAAAAA!" he shouted in his booming, deep voice, as a huge blob of electrical energy began growing between his palms. It fired off in a huge sonic blast of sound and blinding light, causing Gary to get out his cardboard hiding box and hide his head in it.

When Gary's eyes finally refocused, he saw his 3TRAINERPOKe lying in a twitching heap, shorting out from the overload on its glitchy circuits. He sent out the uL.uM.4 and watched in horror as what appeared to be its head was bitten off and swallowed and its poptarty body was flung aside. Gary sent out a Mewtwo and screamed as it was smashed inside the Super Saiyan Pikachu's fist. He finally sent out Female Symbol, hoping she would stand a chance.

At the sight of Female Symbol Pikachu shrunk to a normal size and fell over, the effects of the bottle of Jack Daniels returning full force and knocking him out cold. The force of Female Symbol's overwhelming femininity neutralized the excess androgens flowing through Pikachu's veins due to the steroid injection. Gary stood up from being knocked over by the force of sending out Female Symbol and brushed himself off. "I guess I win."

Ash stood up as well. "Wow, Gary! You're really good. And you're hot too! I love you!"

Gary stared at Ash. "What? What's wrong with you?"

Ash ran over to Gary and hugged him. "Oh, Gary, I've secretly been in love with you this whole time, and the only way I could say it was by being your punching bag in Pokemon battles. Ever since we compared sizes in the fifth grade, I knew I wanted to be with you."

Gary pushed Ash off. "Eww, get away from me you creep! The only one who can love me is me!"

Ash fell to the ground in classic uke fashion and began bawling. "Gary...! Don't be so mean! I just came out of the closet for you and now you hate meeeee! It's not fair! Why do I have to love another guy? Waaaaah!!!" With that, Ash took out his exacto knife and began slashing away at his left arm. Pikachu awoke partially from his drunken stupor and stumbled onto Ash's lap. Ash petted his pickled Pokemon and sobbed, "Oh, Pikachu, you're the only one who understands..."

Gary was growing tired of listening to Ash cry, so he jumped on his Kangaskhan and flew away to Pallet Town. (Yes, flew. Gary's 'M evolved into a Kangaskhan and still knew Fly.)

As Gary strolled through the door of the Pokemon Lab, he was greeted by Tracey, who was bringing Oak back some printer paper wearing only a bondage harness and a black Speedo. "Oh, hi, Gary! You're just in time. Gramps was just about to steal your porn tape collection."

"I told him that wasn't porn! It's rodeo bloopers! All of it is rodeo bloopers!!" Gary shouted, running into the bedroom. "Gramps! That better not be my rodeo bloopers you're watching!"

"Oh, hello, Gary! Would you like to watch 'Bulging Thighs' with me and Tracey?" Professor Oak asked, waving a DVD box featuring underage kids.

"Sure," Gary mumbled, hopping onto the bed. Tracey joined them and took out the notebook he had half filled with pictures of Professor Oak and Ash's mom and started doodling a particularly graphic scene of himself and the Professor. Gary frowned, trying to hide his disgust by picking up the only non-dirty magazine in the room, which happened to be Popular Science. He wondered why the Professor, who supposedly wrote his own magazine on science, would have something as low-tech as this in his magazine rack, but as soon as Gary saw the porn ad on page 174, it all made sense.

Gary fell asleep while the movie played, as this kind of thing bored him. Gary only banged the wang to pictures of himself, because he was the only one worthy of him. Professor Oak, however, and Tracey by proxy, apparently had a different set of standards when it came to such matters. When he woke up, he was glad that Tracey and Oak had gone into the shower or something, becuase they weren't in the room. Gary paid it no mind and went back downstairs.

He struck a couple more shirtless poses in front of the mirror, purring, "Oh, Gary, you sexy thing." He lied down to sleep on the couch as he chucked a rock at the author for improper use of a verb. Gary thought about how lucky he had it, in a rare moment of humility. He had a huge room and a wall TV and a huge stereo system and anything he asked the Professor to buy him, he got. Gary didn't really mind living with his perverted grandpa and his dopey boy toy, because he knew he'd never sink as low as them.

Or would he? The author laughed evilly as she typed the final line.

---

"HOLD IT, HOLD IT!" A voice blasted through Psychoswordlady's room. "What the hell do you think you're doing writing this crap?! You're tainting the minds of innocent children!"

"Oh, Officer Jenny!" Psycho replied. "No, I'm not tainting the children! They all know all the cuss words before they're seven and they know thae three major positions by the time they're nine. I'm not corrupting them any further than they already are."

"Yeah, but this? This crosses the line! Professor Oak with kiddie porn? Gay Ash? Steroid Pikachu? Gary beating his meat on a public site? My god, woman! What are you thinking?!"

"I'm thinking you need to go check out Oak's office for kiddie porn instead of worrying about innocent authors like me." With that, Psychoswordlady began writing Chapter Three...


	3. The Horrible Kopipe Battle Scene Chapter

WORST POKEMON FANFICTION EVER 

CHAPTER THREE: Brendan Stuart Wilcox Ketchum the Shinobi's Wondeful Adventure

Pairings: BrendanXMay spoof, BrockXRandom Sue Character Thrown In as AshSpawn, BirchXRandom Underage Kids

Once upon a time, there was a famous trainer named Ash Ketchum, who grew up to be the Champion of the Pokemon League. He had a daughter named Crystal Leanne Erica Lynne Ketchum, who then moved to Hoenn and had a son by Brock as so many other women were prone to do. She named the boy Brendan Stuart Wilcox Ketchum, deciding to give him one less name than herself, because four names was okay but five was a little strange. Even Crystal Leanne Erica Lynne Ketchum had a limit on the number of names she would give to her children. Ten years soon passed and Brendan wanted a Pokemon of his own.

"Mom, can I get a Pokemon?"

"Sure you can. Just go next door to Professor Bitch--I mean, Birch's and ask him for one, because that's all he seems to do is sit around waiting for gullible little children to... never mind. Run along, honey."

So Brendan ran next door to the Pokemon Lab, which always conveniently happened to be in the main character's hometown because that was the rule. Brendan was not related to the other Brendan who once lived in Littleroot, the son of Professor Bitch--I mean, Birch. That Brendan had died long ago because his mommy fed him dust and made him scrub bathrooms with harsh chemicals wearing only a holey T-shirt and shorts. This Brendan had brilliant white hair, blue eyes, a charming smile, a hard, buff physique even at the age of ten, and a strong desire to see everyone around him do well. He was Mr. Perfect all around, as were all main characters, and was basically a clone of every other RPG hero, but he was better than them since he was the hero of a Pokemon game and not Fire Emblem or Final Fantasy or Tales of Symphonia or Enchanted Arms or any of the twenty zillion games people over the age of seven played with. He burst through the door and ran up to Professor Bitch--I mean, Birch (arrgh!) to ask him for a Pokemon.

"Professor Birch," Brendan said, being so awesome that he was the only character in the story to not mispronounce Professor Bitch--I mean Birch's (I swear this is the last time) name. "I would like you to give me a Pokemon."

"Well, it's your lucky day," replied the Professor. "I happen to have gotten in several more from a few friends across the border," he said, pausing to cough loudly to make it obvious that said "imports" were probably rabid and half starved. "And I will let you take as many as you'd like!"

"Wow," Brendan said in monotone. "Can I have all of them?"

"Take them all, I don't care! Then it'll be your neck on the chopping block rather than mine when the customs officials find me."

YESYES! Professor Bitch--I mean, Birch (dammit! So close!) gives EVERY Pokemon to Brendan! Seaking, Rhyhorn and Sandslash, Nidoqueen and Rapidash! Ivysaur and Pikachu, Onix, Drowzee and Mewtwo! Bulbasaur and Magneton, Koffing, Horsea and Rhydon! Articuno, Butterfree, Scyther, Magmar and Starmie! Brendan walked away with his stash and into the Rustboro Gym, which by some plot hole and Brendan's overwhelming awesomeness and speed was only a few steps' length away.

"Welcome, challenger," Roxanne said in stereotypical gym leader fashion. "I am the Rustboro Gym Leader. Let's fight."

"OK," Brendan said. He sent out a Level 92 Blastoise and pwned her.

"Oh noes I am rubbish," Roxanne said, handing him the badge. "Here, take all my Pokemon because I'm not worthy..."

"Yeah!" Brendan shouted, and ran across Route 105, which was a water route but Brendan could walk on water because he was Ash's grandson and was that awesome and because that one ministry said that Jesus was like Ash because he wanted to catch you and train you. Which is kind of sacrilegious, but obviously the minister who wrote that wasn't offended so it must be okay. He ran into the Dewford Gym and challenged Brawly.

"Welcome, challenger," Brawly said in stereotypical gym leader fashion. "I am the Dewford Gym Leader. Let's fight."

"OK, Brendan said. He sent out a level 74 Alakazam and pwned him.

"Oh noes I am rubbish," Brawly said, handing him the badge. "Here, take all my Pokemon because I'm not worthy..."

"Yeah!" Brendan shouted, and ran across Routes 106, 107 and 108, which were water routes but Brendan could walk on water because he was Ash's grandson and was that awesome. He ran through Slateport, pwned Team Magma hanging around the museum, and ran (yes, ran) across Cycling Road, because he could run much faster than any bike. He ran into the Mauville Gym and challenged Wattson.

"Welcome, challenger," Wattswon said in stereotypical gym leader fashion. "I am the Mauville Gym Leader. Let's fight."

"OK, Brendan said. He sent out a level 69 Golem and pwned him.

"Oh noes I am rubbish," Wattson said, handing him the badge. "Here, take all my Pokemon because I'm not worthy..."

"Yeah!" Brendan shouted, and ran across Routes 111, 112 and 113, which were desert routes but Brendan could see in a sandstorm because he was Ash's grandson and was that awesome. He ran through Fallarbor, pwned Team Magma hanging around the Meteor Falls, and ran (yes, ran) up the side of Mount Chimney and down to Lavaridge, because he could run anywhere he wanted because he was that cool. He ran into the Lavaridge Gym and challenged Flannery.

"Welcome, challenger," Flannery said in stereotypical gym leader fashion. "I am the Lavaridge Gym Leader. Let's fight."

"OK," Brendan said. He sent out the Level 92 Blastoise again and pwned her.

"Oh noes I am rubbish," Flannery said, handing him the badge. "Here, take all my Pokemon because I'm not worthy..."

"Yeah!" Brendan shouted, and ran across Route 115, which was a water route but Brendan could walk on water because he was Ash's grandson and was that awesome. He pwned every trainer along the way and took all their Pokemon because they sucked and he rocked. He ran into the Petalburg Gym and challenged Norman.

"Welcome, challenger," Norman said in stereotypical gym leader fashion. "I am the Petalburg Gym Leader. Let's fight."

"OK, Brendan said. He sent out a level 83 Machamp and pwned him.

"Oh noes I am rubbish," Norman said, handing him the badge. "Here, take all my Pokemon because I'm not worthy..."

"Yeah!" Brendan shouted, and ran across Routes 118 and 119, which were forest routes but Brendan could run through the thickest forests because he was Ash's grandson and was that awesome. He ran through the Weather Institute, pwned Team Magma hanging around the lab, and ran (yes, ran) up the ladders in Fortree to get to the gym, because he could run anywhere he wanted because he was that cool. He ran into the Fortree Gym and challenged Winona.

"Welcome, challenger," Winona said in stereotypical gym leader fashion. "I am the Fortree Gym Leader. Let's fight."

"OK," Brendan said. He sent out a Level 77 Ampharos and pwned her.

"Oh noes I am rubbish," Winona said, handing him the badge. "Here, take all my Pokemon because I'm not worthy..."

"Yeah!" Brendan shouted, and ran across Routes 120, 121, 122, 124 and 125, most of which were water routes but Brendan could walk on water because he was Ash's grandson and was that awesome. He also stopped into Mt.Pyre to go pwn Team Magma again, flew off the mountain top and landed safely on the beach of Mossdeep. He ran into the Mossdeep Gym and challenged Tate and Liza.

"Welcome, challenger," Tate and Liza said in unison in stereotypical gym leader fashion. "We are the Mossdeep Gym Leaders. Let's fight."

"OK," Brendan said. He sent out a Level 89 Tyranitar and pwned them.

"Oh noes we are rubbish," Tate and Liza said in unison, handing him the badge. "Here, take all our Pokemon because we're not worthy..."

"Yeah!" Brendan shouted, and ran across Routes 126, 127 and 128, which were water routes but Brendan could walk on water because he was Ash's grandson and was that awesome. He also stopped into the Underwater Cave to go pwn Team Magma again, swam out of the cave and resurfaced in Sootopolis. He went and chucked just a plain old Poke Ball at the Groudon and caught it in one shot. He ran into the Sootopolis Gym and challenged Wallace.

"Welcome, challenger," Wallace said in stereotypical gym leader fashion. "I am the Sootopolis Gym Leader. Let's fight."

"OK," Brendan said. He sent out a Level 77 Ampharos and pwned him.

"Oh noes I am rubbish," Wallace said, handing him the badge. "Here, take all my Pokemon because I'm not worthy..."

"Yeah!" Brendan shouted, and ran across Routes 129, 130 and 131, which were water routes but Brendan could walk on water because he was Ash's grandson and was that awesome. He ran into Ever Grande City and into the Elite Four HQ and challenged the Elite Four.

The author and most likely the reader as well is getting extremely sick of all this copypasta, so let's just say that Sidney, Phoebe, Glacia and Drake got pwned pretty badly. Finally, Brendan stepped into the room of Steven Stone, the Champion. He threw a rock at Psychoswordlady for making his battles so horribly boring and underrepresentative of his super awesome talent. Dialing 1-800-Dentures on her shiny new Fire Red RAZR cell phone because Brendan's rock throwing skills had knocked out what few teeth she had left over from Gary's mallet in the last chapter, Psycho decided to spice up the Champion Battle.

"Welcome, Brendan. I've heard a lot about you. How you can walk on water and catch Groudon with just a Poke Ball and run up mountains and all this other amazing stuff. I have to say I'm impressed. Let's see if you can take me on!" Steven shouted, sending out his Skarmory.

"OK," Brendan said. He sent out his Blaziken, which he had been solo tanking the Elite Four with. The Skarmory, however, was too fast. It Drill Pecked the hell out of the Blaziken, fainting it. Brendan threw a rock at the author for incorrect use of a verb, and sent out another Poke Ball...

...but the Pokemon he sent out had died of rabies already. He sent out another and another, but all were dead, except for a talking Raichu. Brendan asked the Raichu what was wrong. "What's wrong, Raichu?"

"No comprende... el retaliacion de Montezuma... ugghhh..." It became apparent that the Raichu only spoke Spanish.

Brendan, being the awesome person he is, knew fifteen languages and could immediately understand what the Raichu was saying, even though the author herself knows only very minimal Spanish and has no idea what the hell she's writing. Brendan deciphered the Raichu as having said "I don't know... it's Montezuma's Revenge... ugggghhhhh...", and he knew it was either diarrhea or rabies. His bet was on rabies since most of the dead Pokemon were foaming at the mouth. Although, most of the Poke Balls smelled like diseased dogshit, so it could go either way. Brendan turned to his last resort. He sent out... a Taco.

"A taco?" Steven asked, his eyes wide with surprise. "I'm sorry, kid, but a taco? Do you even know the rules of this game? You're just playing around. I'm sorry, but I'm gonna have to disqualify you if you're just going to waste my time."

Brendan got into awesomeness position. "Prepare to be owned by my GREATEST OF POKEMON!! ...and no, I did not hack!"

Steven replied, "Fine, if you seriously want to oppose me with Mexican food, I'll just sit back and watch while eating... a CHALUPA!"

Brendan gasped. "A CHALUPA? Fiend! That's not real Mexican food--everyone knows Taco Bell invented it, and they're based in Pennsylvania!"

Steven said, "Technicalities. Let the massacre begin!" Steven's Skarmory eyed the taco hungrily.

Brendan opened his super-awesome bag of awesomeness and pulled out a can of 100 percent Harley brand Gay Fuel. Brendan poured the pink liquid onto the taco. It began to pulsate, and it evolved... into a SECRET TACO NAZI!

Steven's eyes bugged out. "Aww, shit. You hax."

Brendan stared at him. "No I didn't. I caught it. Straight from the Taco Bell in Fortree. And the Gayfuel I picked up in Slateport from a guy named Harley."

Steven cowered. "Gods no." He commanded his Skarmory to Drill Peck the Taco Nazi, but it was too late. The taco Nazibeamed the Skarmory clear out of the building.

"Ha ha!" Brendan laughed. "I owned you."

Steven grabbed a nearby Poke Ball and sent out a Staryu of David. The Staryu of David used his powers of righteousness and awesomeness to destroy the evil of the Taco Nazi. Brendan sat there for a second, and said, "Yeah, you're right. The taco nazi thing was pretty offensive." With that, Brendan sent out a Jesus Raptor.

Steven stared at his team's new opponent. "Isn't that kind of offensive too? I mean, you're defacing the Lord of a major world religion... Don't you think that's kind of rude?"

Brendan thought for a moment. "No."

Steven shrugged. "OK." He sent out a Sock Monkey. The Sock Monkey pwned the Jesus Raptor. Steven laughed. "Ha ha ha. See, Sock monkeys own everything."

Brendan sent out the only Pokemon that could counter a Sock Monkey. "Go, Santa Claus!" Santa Claus scooped up the sock monkey and put it in a toy bag where it was buried under reject gifts like the Sega Dreamcast and Crap Your Hands China Import Elmo Doll.

Steven was down to his last Pokemon. He sent out a Buddha Garden Statue. Buddha neutralized all material desires and Santa Claus fell over, now just a mere fat old man.

Brendan was almost out of Pokemon. He had but one left... one too powerful to be used in any other instance. He sent out... Captain Kirk. Captain Kirk stared at the Buddha for a few seconds. He began speaking, to warm up his trademark attack. "Khan? Do you hear me? Do you? Do you...?"

Buddha's eyes grew to the size of saucers. He knew what was coming, since he was the Enlightened One, or at least a statue of him. He covered his ears in hopes of defending, but it was too late.

"KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNN!!!"

With that, the whole arena shook. The Buddha statue fell off the platform and tumbled into an air vent a couple hundred feet down. Brendan returned Captain Kirk to his Poke Ball and shook hands with Steven, because even though he always won he was always a good sport.

"My, Brendan... that was an... um... interesting fight, to say the least... Oh, to hell with the speeches. You're the league champion. Go on through to the Hall of Fame."

YESYES! Brendan had beaten the Pokemon League Champion AND convinced him to skip the boring speech! Brendan proudly strode into the Hall of fame when Professor Bitch--I mean, Birch (this is getting old) jumped in front of him and asked him a million questions.

"So you still managed to win even though all the Pokemon I gave you were rabid illegal imports smuggled from Mexico?"

"Yes, I did. They served me well until the very end."

"And you beat him by sending out some random dude shouting 'KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNN!!!'?"

"Yes, yes. I had my earplugs."

"And would you like to marry Norman's daughter May?"

"Yes, yes... wait, what? What's she like?"

Professor Bitch--I mean, Birch (last time, I swear, for real this time) smirked, stroking his chin. "That May sure is a hot little thing. She's only like twelve or so, but whoo-eee! If my wife didn't lock me in the bedroom, I'd do her in a second."

Brendan smiled pervertedly. "Works for me."

May ran in, immediately glomping Brendan. "Ooh! You're just as hot as my dad said you were." Brendan input his Pokemon team into the Hall of fame and left with his prize. Brendan was the most awesome Pokemon Trainer in the entire universe now.

When he and May got home, Brendan's mom nearly had a coronary and told him to get that piece of trash out of her house now and that ten year old boys aren't old enough to do the girl next door and to wait until he was eleven. Sadly, he never reached that day, because Team Magma was sick of getting pwned all the time and sent an assassin. Then Brendan's fans and all the gym Leaders came and killed all the Team Magma people and there was never any trouble in Hoenn ever again. And Professor Birch (ha! In your face!) became the leading Pokemon researcher in the world and also founded his own Playboy Mansion. YESYES! Professor Bitch--I mean, Birch (ARRRGH!) gets ALL the underage girls in Hoenn! Until Officer Jenny showed up at his mansion and took him off to jail. TEH END.

-  
"Oh, now Birch is a sex offender just like Oak, now is he?" Officer Jenny yelled, digging through Psychoswordlady's computer files.

"Hey, it's not as rare as you think. A lot of people tend to prefer younger--HEY!" Psycho shouted as Jenny found a folder on her hard drive titled "Yaoi Stuff" and opened it. "D-Don't look there! I swear it's just... ah... balancing my checkbook! Yeah!"

"...Naked Boys? Sensitive Pornograph? HG Action? What the hell is this stuff? I've never seen anything this sick in my life!"

"Ehehe... That's nothing you need to know about. It's... umm... an Excel spreadsheet. Yeah, that's it."

Jenny eyed Psycho suspiciously. "Why would you name an Excel spreadsheet after known porn titles?"

Psycho searched frantically for an excuse. "Ummm... Hey, look! Professor Elm just murdered somebody!"

"Right-o!" Jenny shouted, jumping on her scooter and driving away. Psycho smirked, having evaded the long arm of the law yet again. She began typing Chapter Four...


End file.
